"What is love?
Love is something you have to rise above,
To go beyond,
For that special bond."
- Saf Shukri, 2016
(c) Saf Shukri
Love is a feeling that we can never stay away from, no matter what.
I give this someone who I like a nickname, "Shashimi", because her name starts with the letter 'S'. I started liking her this year, even though I knew her since last year; I don't actually "know" her, I only know her name. I don't really know why I like her, maybe it's because we see a lot of each other this year than last year? I didn't really notice her last year, but once I did, she is beautiful...
The thing is, we don't know each other, I don't know anything about her, but I keep hearing that she's kind, friendly and has great personality. Everyone I know knows her, except me. Have I've been living under a rock all this time because I don't know her??
The feeling towards her kept increasing, even since we started always seeing each other. Here's the bad thing. A bad luck that I have. Something that always happen.
Every time I see her, or turn around and looked at her accidentally, she looks back instantly! Obviously, I will panic, because she might think I've been looking at her this whole time, but actually I just looked at her few seconds. So every time that happens, I have no other choice, but to look away, which makes it more obvious that I like her. I could just smile to her if she looks back, but I just can't. We don't know each other and I'm a shy person when it comes to girls. This happens a lot. The first few eye contacts, I don't mind, but as it keeps happening, that is where I started to like her more and more and people keep telling stories or mentioning about her like how a great friend she is. This makes me keen to get to know her, but I just can't! I don't know what we have in common and making the first move is always hard.
It's bad to think like this, that I'm hideous and anxious that she will reject me when I'm trying to get to know her, but it's true. She is exquisite and I'm hideous, like she's Beauty and I'm the Beast, except there is no happy ending; the Beauty would just run and tell the townspeople that there's a Beast and I will get killed by the townspeople because she and them are terrified of me.
Dang it, I can't think like that, but I can't help myself.
I also heard that she is always sad? Like she looks gloomy and solemn every time. My friend once told me that she sometime smiles to her and sometimes Shashimi smiled back, but sometimes she smiles and Shashimi didn't smile back, Shashimi just looked at her and turned away. That's what I'm afraid of, I'm scared that can happen to me.
Every time I see her, she's mostly alone. Sitting on the library and studying alone while listening to her music. Sometimes I wonder if I just can be brave and sit with her and talk, but I'm feeble towards girls. My brain will stop functioning. What do they say? "Our brain will only stop functioning when it's the exam or when seeing someone attractive." Bizarre, but true.
Every morning, I would go to my usual place where I hang out with my friend, a bench where we just sit and talk, and she will pass by right in front of me every morning. Last year I didn't notice her so I didn't mind, but this year, every time she passes by, I just look down the floor because I don't to make eye contact. This happened before, I just turned around so I can talk to my friend, but she was there and accidentally looked at her instead of my friend and she looked back. Obviously, I panicked and I would just look away or just look down the floor, or play with my phone.
I noticed that she looks insecure, every time she passes by our place every morning. She would just hold her books tight and just keep touching her key chains that are attached to her bag. I think she keeps touching them because she's afraid that one of the key chains are gone? I don't know, I don't dare myself to ask. Apparently, my friend also starting to like her. When she is with her friends, her attitude completely change when she's alone. She will not be quite, but she will be talkative. Not so insecure when she's with her friends.
I also started liking her, because everywhere I go, she will always be there and when she is there, I just look at her, but she would look back at me instantly and I will be like,"Oh, not again. I'm dead." If I try to forget about her, purposely or not, someone will mention or remind me about her. It's like she's everywhere. If someone doesn't mention her, I will remind it myself. Not by thinking about her but see her, through social media such as Snapchat, not her account, because I don't think she has one, but her friends'. This remind thing always happen once a day, and happened 7 days in a row, and when it happens, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Like I mentioned, she's exquisite, her eyes, her glasses, her personality.
Like for example, day 1, my friend took a selfie with her in Snapchat. Day 2, my old friend, who I haven't seen her for years, took a picture of her. Day 3, I just added a new friend in Snapchat, viewed his snap and oh what do you know? She was in the snap, she was jubilant. It could be a coincidence, but I don't think so. Day 4 in the morning, I just woke up and I completely forget about her. I just checked my phone to see if I had any messages for last night and IT HAPPENED AGAIN! A message from my friend, told me that she saw Shashimi in the market and told me how beautiful she was. I'm like, "WHY IS SHE EVERYWHERE?! WHAT'S THE PURPOSE OF HER IN MY LIFE?! I WANT TO KNOW!" Yeah.. All of this is true, no lies. Day 5, I just finished looking good when there's a mirror, you know, to see if my hair is okay and my tie is properly adjusted. So when I was finish, I took a step of the room where there's a mirror inside, and I look at the noise of a closing door, like where it came from. As I was looking, it was Shashimi, she just entered the building and was closing the door. Obviously, when I looked at her, again, she looked back instantly, I'm again like,"I'm dead again." Day 6 and 7 the same as before, where I just look somewhere and she was there. Like she appears out of nowhere, but almost everywhere I go.
This happened again yesterday, where I just hand in my report during the holiday, yes it's still the holidays, 2 week holiday, if you read my other post. No one reads this, but I just want to get this out of me. Anyways, after I handed my report in, I was on my way back to the car so I can go back home. So when I'm on my way, I saw this noticeboard, where there are pictures of people with their quotes, inspiring and motivating quotes. I knew there is a picture of my friend with her quote, as I was about to look for her picture, the first picture I saw was picture of Shashimi with her quote. Her picture was beautiful as well as her quote, "You can accomplish something big, by doing small things first." Something like that, I forgot. Yeah, I know right, she's everywhere in my life right now.
I'm going to stop here, but before I do, I want to share a poem I wrote for her, but I can't share it to her because I'm feeble.
"If I go somewhere,
She is always there,
Every time I look at her accidentally,
She will look back instantly.
If I got somewhere to be,
She will somehow be there and meet me.
We would never exchange a smile,
Because we don't dare ourselves to go for the extra mile.
We would only glance the eyes of one another,
Because we don't know each other.
I don't mind her presence,
Because it might just be a coincidence,
But she's almost everywhere,
People keep mentioning about her,
That make me bother,
And sometimes wonder,
That are we meant to be together?
Because even if I try to forget,
I will always be the target,
Someone will always mention or remind,
That can make her stuck in my mind.
She will always get my attention.
I think she's in my life for a reason,
Maybe she's there because she might be a wisdom,
That I can learn from,
Or she could be someone that will make me make one mistake,
That can haunt me while I'm awake.
Could be a lesson or solution,
For my present or future life situation,
But because of her I'm in love,
Should I make the first move?
Or Should I be patient,
And wait for the right moment?
I don't really know what to do,
Not even a clue.."
- Saf Shukri 2016
(c) Saf Shukri
Yeah, I know it's long, but hey, it's a poem.
